I don't know why, but I just feel really confuse and terrified right now. I feel like I'm losing so much during college. I'm slowly letting go of my past: friends, relationships, interests, hobbies, & etc. I'm terrified... of change. What's scary is that I don't know if it's a good or bad change. Dancing with random guys, kissing them, bringing them back to the dorm... I don't know anymore. I'm more assertive and straight forward now. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I want anymore. Everything seems to be going so well that it's too good to be true. I don't want to be ignorant of the realistic world behind all the fun. I love my social life here and I'm getting good grades. I'm going to start volunteering at a lab soon and I have a sense of direction of what I want to do in the future. This change, this rapid change, this dramatic change... the idea of me exploring and experiencing things I didn't think I would ever do is scary. There's absolutely nothing wrong with it; It's just I'm scared of who I'll become at the end of this year. I want to cry for some reason. I'm having fun, I'm enjoying school, I'm enjoying my life and here I am scared and terrified of this good life. I want a challenge or some sort of problem with my life so I don't feel like so god damn happy with my life. Maybe I don't like how I'm actually starting a NEW life here. I don't want to let go and forget about my past; The past that shaped me, everyone who loves me, everyone who I love dearly.

At the end I'm still searching. Searching for something that's not meant for me